MISHA XLR
by TypeMoonFreak
Summary: Living here in Cripple Land, drinking whiskey till we hurl, we gotta find first gear, in this giant robot girl.
1. Chapter 1

Hisao Nakai sat in his basement playing the vidya early one morning. And by early one morning, I mean noon. Yes I just broke the 4th wall. Deal with it.

"Hey man, why don't you let me play a round? All I have at home is a PS3." Kenji Seto whined, his glasses shining in the damp drearly basement of Hisao's mom's house where Hisao lived because he was forever alone.

"You should have thought about that before you bought it. You still don't have any games for it do you?" Hisao gave Kenji the ol chocolate-eating grin, knowing full well the PS3 doesn't have any games.

"Hey man screw you, just let me play. You remember that time I saved you from that girl? I know she wanted to eat your brain man. That's how they learn about us." Kenji waved his arm around in the air, magically drawing a picture of one of some big pink thing from that one movie with the alien bugs in it.

"FUCK BATTERIES!" Hisao raged as the batteries in his wireless controller dropped faster than Osama Bin Laden being shot in the eye with a magic bullet.

"Now we have to go to the junkyard and get more!" Hisao hacky sacked the controller and the batteries came flying out, which he tornado kicked into the trash can across the room.

"Dude, why are we going to the junkyard for batteries? They're cheap as hell at Wal-mart." Kenji whined.

"SHUT YOUR PUNK ASS UP! The batteries at the junkyard are cheaper. I can buy them from Rin for 3 bucks, for like 100 batteries."

Arriving at the junkyard, which was a glorious untapped wasteland of nostalgia, usless crap, and real bargains if you have the stomach to go diving in it. Sitting atop this golden, stank filled temple was a girl.

"Sup Rin." Hisao brofisted Rin, but since Rin didn't have any arms, he was brofisting her foot.

"Hisao, Kenji." Rin nodded to them and took a lick of the lolipop she had deftly clutched between her toes. The trucker hat she wore was slightly worn down, most likely taken from the junk piles beside her.

"WE REQUIRE BATTERIES SO THAT WE MAY CONTINUE OUR QUEST TO SAVE NEW YORK FROM THE ARMY OF SPACE BANDITOS!" Hisao took a heroic pose and pointed towards the sky with his index finger. A beam of light shot from his finger straight up into the sky and turned the sun into a giant disco ball.

"They're over there" Rin pointed with her foot towards a large mountain of trash that resembled Kilamanjaro which coincidentally was the High Score Hisao had just gotten playing "Attack of the Mutant Space Banditos 4"

"FUCK YES WE'RE IN THAT SHIT!" Hisao swan dived into the junk and started looking around and testing the batteries by licking them. "TASTES LIKE CHERRY GOD DAMN!" He relished. Little did he know that was the taste of the flesh of his tongue being burnt off.

"Dude, there's something pink sticking out of this pile." Kenji pointed to what looked like a large hand.

"Kenji you can't see shit, for all I know it could be black." Hisao said after stuffing a battery into his Johnny Quest lunch box that he pulled out of space and time.

"No seriously man, come check this shit out." Kenji stomped his foot like a little girl who told her father she didn't want to be teen pregnant anymore.

"Alright fine." Hisao pulled doll of some ugly yellow fucker off his head that told him to eat his shorts.

Hisao saw some ugly fat thing sticking out of the junk pile that was indeed pink. "COME MY BROTHER, WE MUST INVESTIGATE THIS IN THE NAME OF DISCOVERY!" Hisao started thrusting his pelvis at the pile of junk like a raging horny God. The trash just exploded and ran away revealing a large, fat looking pink robot.

"MOTHER OF GOD!" Hisao snapped his fingers and a pair of sunglasses magically appeared in his hand along with a Highway Trooper hat, both of which he put on his head.

"Whoa just wait a minute here." Kenji said in disbelief. "Did we just find a giant fucking robot?"

"YOU BET YOUR WHISKEY LOVING ASS WE DID SON!" Hisao and Kenji bumped their fists together, projecting a single large fist that rocketed into the sky and exploded, raining a thousand tiny brofists down on everyone.


	2. Chapter 2

So then I gave this bitch a timeskip. Bitches love timeskips. A week later...

"Dude, I can't believe you bought this piece of junk off Rin for 10 bucks and a foot massage." Kenji and Hisao were in his parents garage working on the giant 10 story tall robot fat girl who somehow still managed to fit inside because a huge hole Hisao dug into the ground in 2 days while consuming nothing but Morning Rescue.

"Rin's a sucker for the old foot rub. Thankfully she somehow manages to keep her feet clean even though she uses them for everything." Hisao thought for a moment, picturing Rin washing her feet every couple minutes. "Hm... erotic."

"What was that you said?"

"EROTIC!" Hisao bellowed, his manly voice echoing through the heavens and parting the clouds reavealing a nice pair of tits beyond the sky.

"But I gotta ask man, why leave it pink?" Kenji spat on the thing's head, sticking up out of the floor with it's big pink drills on the side of it's head.

"BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY!" Hisao roared from under the monstrosity that was the robot's chin. "I'm going to put some hot rod flames on this bitch, and run around and step on every motherfucker that put that fucking painting in front of my face and made me end up with Nurse standing over me!" Hisao's hands burst into flames which he slapped onto the drills of the robot's head. The drills caught on fire with his manly spirit, creating a flame the the Gods of Valhalla would be jealous of.

"Are you done yet man?"

"Damn straight, let's test drive this bad boy... er girl."

"Dude you modified everything but her equipment downstairs, I don't want to ride around in some giant feminist." Kenji whined, looking at the head of the giant robot with both fear and disgust.

Hisao pulled a lever and the robot rocketed up and destroyed not only his garage but the entire house as well and killed the fuck out of it. The robot girl stood 10 stories tall, she was kind of chunky but Hisao outfitted her in a giant maid costume to make her more moe.

"KENJI SETO THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I WILL EVER FORCE YOU TO GET INSIDE OF A WOMAN!"

Kenji started freaking the fuck out. "NO GOD DAMMIT, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO IT!"

Hisao punched Kenji in the face with the force of a thousand exploding suns and sent him flying into the cockpit. Hisao the activated his rocket shoes and flew up to the giant robot's face.

"Hey it's not so bad up here. Very shiny." Buttons so big that Kenji could actually see them greeted him upon being smashed into the cockpit. Ha ha I said cock.

"Damn right." Hisao punched a random button which looked cool because it had a skull on it.


	3. Chapter 3

The button that Hisao had pushed, fast fowarded the time he spent testing 'Misha' on the city of Detroit which they had magically ended up in.

"With this, we can destroy the feminists!" Kenji relished as he gazed upon the destruction of the city of Detroit, which oddly didn't look any different than when they started.

"THAT'S NOT ALL WE CAN DESTROY! FUCK YOU CKY!" Hisao pointed Misha's hand upwards and punched a button with his flaming fists of fury after spotting a satellite belonging to a certain TV station geared towards angsty teens.

"Dude that was awesome, what else can we blow up?" Kenji exclaimed as he watched the large pink beam of energy shoot from Misha's finger and blow up the satellite into tiny pieces. Kenji swore the explosion sounded like thousands of crying pregnant teenagers.

"Stop right there criminal scum!" The voice rang out like a hundred cute lolis and a portal through space opened up. Out stepped another giant robot also in the shape of a girl but less sophisticated than Misha was.

"WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE ALMIGHTY HISAO!" He roared and struck a dramatic pose, pushing a button that made Misha glare at the robot, and another one that cause a gigantic white cape to billow out of her back.

"You, in the fat pink robot. Hand over the prototype!" The cutesy voice that sounded suspiciously like Yui Horie came from over a loud speaker.

"Like hell, this is mine you overrated voice actor!" Hisao shot back from the speaker system he had installed within Misha's bosom among other things.

"IT'S A FEMINIST!" Kenji squealed and grabbed Hisao's shoulders, shaking him like a newborn baby. "We can't let her take the robot! They want to use it's technology to destroy the world of men!"

"I will give you to the count of three!" The girl in the other robot shouted.

"Kenji now is the time." Hisao clenched his fist dramatically.

"You can't mean... THAT?" Kenji shrieked.

"ONE!" The girl in the other robot called and her robot held up a finger.

"Yes Kenji, I mean THAT. We're gonna need some more juice to take her down." A sparkle shined on Hisao's immaculate teeth.

"TWO!"

"I can't control that real well yet, and I have no idea what it'll do in here." Kenji warned.

"KENJI, YOU MUST ROCK THE FUCK OUT!" Hisao roared, an explosion made my a nearby Michael Bay exploded behind them, sending pieces of things that shouldn't be there hurling into the sky. Hisao swore he saw a cow.

"VERY WELL HISAO, LET THE GODS OF ROCK BE MY WEAPON OF JUSTICE!" Kenji roared. His glasses flew off his face and shattered on the console of the cockpit. The shards of the lenses tore open a portal in space and time, which Kenji pulled out his guitar Cunt Destroyer from a demension where feminists screamed for naught. An axe with an aura of lightning, forged in the blood of those men opressed by women. Strings made from the whiskers of cats, that women had replaced their boyfriends with.

"THREE!" The girl called and started to charge at the Dynamic Duo inside of Misha.

"Hisao, let's give this bitch The Facemelter." Kenji took a pair of sunglasses out of the glovebox and dramatically put them on his face.

"SHRED MY BROTHER! SHRED AS IF THE LIFE OF EVERY MAN ON EARTH DEPENDED ON IT!" Hisao yelled to Kenji and punched a button that had a picture of a giant penis on it.

Kenji's hands exploded into balls of lightning, shredding the strings on his mighty axe faster than even the lightning surrounding him. The storm crackled inside the cockpit, shocking the controls and Misha began to become surrounded with the energy channeled from the Gods of Rock.

The button that Hisao had pushed opened up pannels in Misha's nether regions, and out extended a long pink rod. Hisao grabbed it, and the lightning from Kenji's rocking made up the blade to strike down their enemy.

"TAKE THIS! MY LOVE! MY ANGER! AND ALL OF MY TESTOSTERONE!" Hisao roared and smashed his face into a button that said "Smash Face Here for Awesome Move".

Misha flew at the other robot after a burst from her ass rocket and with a single strike cut the robot in two with the Lightning Cocksaber. The enemy mech exploded into a thousand tiny pieces triggered by Michael Bay and the debris destroyed a nearby Christian Radio Station.

"UWAAAAAAAA!" A tiny scream could be heard amidst the explosions still being set off my Michael Bay.

"C'mon dude, enough already." Hisao yells at him, he cringes and picks up his dynamite and plunger, retreating into the nearby bushes.

"Let's go down and finish her off!" Kenji had bloodlust in his eyes that would scare even the most street hardened minority.

"We should at least see if she's still alive anyway." Hisao hit a button and lowered the two of them down to the ground where he saw a couple of strange object sticking out of a pile of rubble.

"Fucking Michael Bay, what did he throw in there now?" Hisao cursed his shitty movies and he and Kenji walked forth to investigate.

Kenji grabbed one of the cold metal things and yanked on it. Yanking up a girl, a girl with prosthetic legs and pigtails. "She ain't got no legs Leutenant Dan!" He was flabbergasted, not that it was all that surprising considering they were all handicapped themselves.

"Put me down!" The cutesy little girl kicked Kenji in the face and bounced on the ground like her legs were made of springs and went behind the bushes with Michael Bay, whom she kicked into the sun and he exploded into a bunch of tiny Michael Bays who ran off cackling like little imps throwing firecrackers and passersby.

"Hail to the king, baby." Hisao greeted her. "What's your name sugar?" His teeth sparkled and started singing about his shiny teeth and him.

"Emi, Emi Ibarazaki." She rubbed her butt like she hurt it. Not that she had much of a butt to rub.


	4. Chapter 4

A little while later in the Super Awesome Special Fun Time Basement...

"So where are you from little girl?" Hisao asked as he sat on the couch and sipped a glass of tea like real men should.

"I'm not a little girl!" She complained which made her pigtails spin around in circles like a helicopter. In fact she started hovering a few inches above the ground.

"I don't believe you answered my question." Hisao grinned as he held up a grey weapon with a cord attached to the end.

"W-W-W-W-W-W-What are you going to do with that!" She stuttered and retreated higher near the cieling.

"What this?" He turned his head and looked at the gun. "Nothing, I was just going to play a little Duck Hunt. Maybe I can kill that fucking dog this time." He pointed it at the TV and started pulling the trigger as the ducks flew across. Every time he missed one a dog popped out of the grass and laughed at him, making Hisao growl like a bear and try and shoot it, only making the dog raise his pixelated middle finger at him.

"So where do you live? You don't really look like you're from around here." Kenji asked seriously after putting on his sunglasses so Emi wouldn't realize that he was looking at her panties, which by the way had pink polka dots on them.

"I'm from the future!" She said and took a sort of strange pose.

"I knew it!" Kenji pointed his finger at her. "You're an advanced type of android that the feminists built to crush the manly resistance. Hisao is the father of a hero from the future, so you were sent back to kill him!" He growled.

"That couldn't be more further from the truth." Emi glared at him.

"Then you must be after Misha." Hisao mumbled as he was attempting to shoot his gun at the TV while blindfolded.

"Our prototype robot yeah." Emi nodded. "Earth is under attack in the future by a race of evil Space Banditos, and we need that robot to fight them off."

"SPACE BANDITOS YOU SAY!" Hisao and Kenji exclaimed together.

"Yep, they're led by an evil yet strangely sexy person named Carlito who likes to kidnap girls and take them to Mexico."

"MEXICO! How horrible..." Hisao gasped.

"Indeed, that's why we need the robot. I believe Carlito and the Space Banditos have followed me back here to stop me from getting control of the robot. Will you give it to me?" Emi pleaded, her eyes wide.

Hisao brought his hand and stroked his chin as he thought. "Nope."

"Th-That was quick! Why not?" Emi glared at him, her pigtails stopped twirling around and she plopped cutely into a chair.

"Misha is my robot. But if those Space Banditos want to come into my neighborhood and start some shit, then I'll just have to deport their asses." Hisao gave her a thumbs up.

"Geez, that doesn't help me at all. You're the one who destroyed my robot so I can't get back." Emi put her hands on her hips and puffed out her cheek.

Outside sounded like there was some kind of big comotion, lots of screaming could be heard and even what sounded like a stringed guitar, maracas, and drums.

"Kenji take a look outside, it sounds like there's another Pan Flute band scaring the shit out of everyone again."

"Yeah whatever." Kenji got up and took a look out the basement window.

"I know that sound..." Emi said ominously.

"Oh shit, dude Hisao you better come look at this. The little feminist wasn't lying!" Kenji yelped.

"Madre de Dios..." When he looked outside Hisao was quite frankly surprised at what he saw. In the sky above where what looked like dozens of giant flying sombrero hats with mustaches. Out of the top of them was what looked like a giant speaker system that was playing some kind of Mexican Invasion music.

"Kenji grab your guitar, I think it's time to call the INS." Hisao turned around and threw on a pair of sunglasses and a Highway Trooper hat he happened to have lying around.


	5. Chapter 5

The streets were filled with chaos. Cars crashed into each other, women and children cryed in the streets, cats and dogs worked together to escape. Everyone was afraid to be taken to Mexico. It was mass hysteria. To top it all off there was a giant pink robot walking through the city towards the flying mustached sombreros.

"Dude, I don't mind doing this crap with you. I mean, I like protecting the Earth as much as the next guy… but why is SHE here?!" Kenji jerked his thumb towards the back seat where Emi was sitting just as Hisao trampled over an orphanage for imaginary friends.

"Fanservice of course!" Hisao shot Kenji a thumbs up, it was such a godly thumbs up that it reached Valhalla where the greatest warriors looked down upon Hisao and returned the gesture before returning to drinking, whoring, and fighting for all eternity. "You absolutely CAN'T have mecha without fanservice!" Hisao roared as he smashed a button. The button did absolutely nothing, but there's no way in hell I'm going to write this without pushing at least 1 button in each chapter.

"What about SD Gundam?" Emi leaned forward and stuck her head into the front seat.

"Que?"

"There wasn't any fanservice in SD Gundam."

Emi's insolence was met with a resounding smack as she was backhanded with the force of a supernova the explosion that was brought forth was enough to make Michael Bay cream in his pants. "WE DO NOT SPEAK OF SD GUNDAM!" Hisao roared.

A beeping was heard from the console as a button flashed with light. Luckily Hisao had put a sticky note over it that was labeled "Future Phone Thingy".

"Seems like the enemy is trying to make contact." Emi squeaked as she rubbed the side of her face that reminded her to know a sidekick's place.

Hisao immediately unzipped his jeans and after summoning a mighty erection out of nowhere he pushed the button which made an odd moaning noise. Near the view window a screen popped up revealing a man wearing a sombrero and sporting a mustache that would make Freddy Mercury jealous. In the background Ricky Martin could be heard playing as well as a lot of whooping and yelling as well as guns firing.

"Hey! Me llamo Carlito! You wanna come with me to Mexico?" He said in a high pitched voice with more energy than a squirrel after a 5 hour energy shot.

"Not really no." Hisao replied plainly, oddly out of character.

"Me wanna, you wanna, everybody wanna! GO GO GO!" Shouted the person Hisao assumed to be Carlito.

"Will we get to meet Antonio Banderas?!" Emi shouted with excitement.

"He's not from Mexico you idiot." Kenji said from a relaxed position, his feet up on the console in front of him while his guitar was in his lap.

Out of the window Hisao noticed the Mother Sombrero grow a body, arms and legs. Maracas appeared in each of its hands and it struck a pose. Behind it, one of the smaller once started playing different music.

_They call me Cuban Pete_

_I'm the King of the Rumba beat!_

_When I shake my maracas they go_

_Chick chicky boom_

_Chick chicky boom!_

With the new addition to the music the other UFS's that is… Unidentified Flying Sombreros also grew arms and bodies and began shaking their maracas in beat to the song while marching forward.

"Hey man it looks like they're done talking." Kenji pointed out the obvious.

Hisao grit his teeth. "These guys…" He growled.

Kenji smacked his hand to his forehead, but somehow missed and ended up smacking Emi who still was poking her head in the front seat. "Aw man, here we go." Kenji readied his guitar.

Hisao gripped the controls hard, so hard his hands started to shake. "These guys invade my home, rape my women, sell oranges in front of my house, try to sell me chicklets, mess up the plumbing in my house, and take my JERBS!"

"Dude, they didn't do any of that." Kenji pointed out.

"Shut up I'm on a roll here! These guys done came to the wrong neighborhood!" Hisao clenched his fists and smashed a button that emitted a bright pink light.

Misha whirled to life with the grinding of servos and the drills in her hair began to spin wildly, throwing off sparks that set fire to the houses down below before firing off with the force of the rockets that were attached to the back of them. They screamed forward, locked in on that ship that was playing the music and effectively blowing it up with a single hit.

"KENJI!" Hisao pointed towards his friend in the passenger seat. "GIMME A NEW SOUNDTRACK!"

Kenji picked up his guitar. "Got it covered dude." He snapped his fingers and the Gods of Rock granted him a pick. Not just any pick, this pick was crafted from the big toe of a demon. It was painted and bathed in the blood of virgins and hammered on the anvils in the 7th ring of Hell itself. It sprang to life in the hellfire from which it was forged. It was made for one purpose, to shred. To tear and rip asunder the other pretenders that call themselves musicians. Kenji was the chosen one, granted this power to rock as no man has rocked before.

"Shred! FUCKSLAYER!" Kenji cried out the name of his guitar as he raised his arm to the sky.

The Space Banditos closed in around them as Kenji began to play. His hands became a blur, spewing forth a melody that mortals were not meant to hear. Emi fell unconscious in the back seat because her brain was not able to process the notes that rang forth from the guitar that had started to emit smoke.

Hisao jerked his head to the side, feeling the bones in it crack. "That's the good stuff. Alright! Let's kick some ass!"

The first Bandito charged and with catlike reflexes powered by the flame in Hisao's soul, Misha grabbed it's arms and ripped them off with a metallic crunch as they were crushed and ripped asunder. The Bandito was then tripped and Hisao grabbed it's legs and began to swing it around and around using it as a makeshift baseball bat as he began to knock around any Bandito that dared step too close.

One particular Bandito caught the makeshift bat square in the chest. Its cavity crumpled from the impact and it was sent flying through the air.

"Woo! Home run!" Hisao fist bumped Kenji who had started shredding his guitar with his toes as he kicked back in the front seat. "Never seen you do that before."

"Rin taught me." Kenji replied with a grin.

"Let's finish with a bang!" Hisao smashed his face onto a button which caused Misha's crotch panel to open. A long piece of metal extended and Hisao grabbed it. The Gods of Rock, pleased by Kenji's shredding sent forth a mighty bolt of lightning down from the heavens that collided with the piece of metal with a planet shattering crash. When the smoke and dust cleared there stood Misha clutching the metal bar, now with a blade of pure lightning extending from it.

"Go! LIGHTNING COCKSABER!" Hisao roared and jumped into the air bringing down the lightning blade into the largest group of enemies. A great explosion of electricity erupted with a thunderous crack, destroying with it 2 nightclubs, a movie theater, the local DMV (at which citizens began to cheer), and a pillow factory. Not to mention most of the Banditos.

"This is my house!" Hisao roared to the heaven's at his victory.

"Our house. I helped too." Kenji pointed out.

"MUDA DA!" A cry erupted forth from a nearby building. Hisao swung around to see Carlito's mech still unharmed standing atop the building. Carlito tore off a side of his mustache with each hand which grew into a pair of shining swords while the mustache on his sombrero grew back.

"Oh crap I thought I took that guy out!" Hisao exclaimed.

"Look out! That motherfucker's dual wielding mustaches!" Kenji serious'd up and grabbed Fuckslayer and the mighty Fuckpick in his hands once more.

With a mighty WRYYYYYYYY Carlito leapt from the building top and hurled himself towards Misha raising his Mustacheblades over his head for a single overpowered swing.

Carlito's blades and the Lightning Cocksaber collided with the force of a thousand suns that shook the earth and cracked the very ground upon which they stood. The might of the Cocksaber cracked but held and Carlito's attack hit the ground. The blades in his hands shattered and he raised his fists.

"So you want to fight like a man eh?" Hisao raised an eyebrow and dropped his Cocksaber, inserting it back into the panel it erupted out of. He then pushed a button and a controller popped out from the center of the steering wheel. Hisao cracked his knuckles and grabbed it.

Kenji dug the sunglasses out of his pocket and his hands once more disappear into a blur. Fuckslayer burst forth into flames. The strings began to glow red from the force of Kenji's pick strumming across them.

The two combatants, Misha and Carlito began to circle around each other their fists raised. Meanwhile Hisao was inputing a series of commands into the controller, his fingers moving nearly as fast as Kenji's.

"SECRET TECHNIQUE!" Hisao shouted as Misha jumped into the air. The air around the robot sparked and an aura of lightning surrounded its body.

"SUPAH!" A panel on Misha's back opened, sporting two huge rocket boosters. They crackled with lightning and then ignited with a popping sound.

"INAZUMA!" Carlito could only stand and watch in horror above him as Misha extended its foot. A surge of electricity crackled forth along Misha's leg, it began to glow with the energy and the rocket boosters began to propel Misha downward.

"KIIIICK!" Hisao issued the final command on the controller and Misha rocketed downward and collided with Carlito's mech. Propelled by the Gods of Rock the mighty kick connected with Carlito's chest.

Misha zoomed through Carlito and an ear splitting explosion resounded forth as the invasion of the Space Banditos was brought to an end in mere minutes. Most of the city was destroyed, but it would most likely be rebuilt in the next chapter anyway so Hisao wasn't too worried about it.

Kenji's rocking slowed to a halt and he cracked his knuckles. Satisfied with the day's work. "Nice one man." He said to Hisao with a fist bump.

"Alright, who wants a Slushie?" Hisao asked with a grin.

"Dude, you just stopped a freaking alien invasion!" Kenji exclaimed.

Hisao shrugged. "Yeah, so? I'm thirsty."

"Get me a blueberry one." Kenji replied with a sigh.

Hisao grabbed the controls and motioned for Misha to start walking through the city into the sunset, crushing cars and small houses as they go.

"So, drive thru then?"


End file.
